Rotorua

Well, SOMEONE didn’t particularly want to go to Rotorua. SOMEONE had ‘been there, done that’ when it came to sulphurous springs, bubbling mud and hot pools. SOMEONE wasn’t interested in going to the most popular tourist spot in New Zealand.

Actually, I had to agree with him on the last bit. Touristy sights and sites have never been our thing – were we the only family to visit Florida and NOT go to Disney World? (Though Sea World and Kennedy Space Centre did tick lots of boxes for us...)

However, the sight – and smell – of the earth’s volcanic power at my feet absolutely fascinates me. So I dragged the Rotorua Grinch, in full mental grumble mode, all the way to the shores of the lake. Shock, horror, no freedom camping: we actually had to stay in a ‘proper’ holiday park.

Pluses:

• It’s winter – there were two other vans camping nearby, but otherwise it was deserted.
• Electricity. Unlimited hot water, easy laptop charging, good light at night, quick cups of tea.
• Hot pools for our use on the campsite. A boiling mud pool to gape at. Proximity to historic Rotorua and the lake.And, to be fair, The Grinch kept his mutterings, mostly, to himself.
• No one doing ‘doughnuts’ or rocking up in the early hours for possibly nefarious purposes.

First visit on bikes (5 minutes away) was Ohinemutu village, original Maori Rotorua, on the shores of the lake. Many magnificently carved buildings, a beautiful Anglican church and steam hissing in almost every backyard.

St Faith's at Ohinemutu

St Faith's

Second visit: Sulphur Bay. Still cycling along the lake shore, past the paddle steamer, dozens of black swans and more New Zealand scaup (black teal) than I could ever imagine seeing. Huge flocks, all calling to each other with un-ducklike whistles or diving, synchronised swimming style, underwater together.

More steam, more sinter (rocky) terraces and landscapes, more mud pools. The Grinch conceded that it was now beginning to look like Lake Bogoria, our ultimate favourite in getaways from our Kenyan days. Therefore, the day was beginning to get a little better.

Third visit: Kuirau Park. City park with car parks, grass, playgrounds, ponds... and steaming pools, gushing hot fountains, sinter terraces and bubbling mud holes. Incredible.

I don’t care what the Grinch says about sulphurous fumes or ‘seen it before’ geysers. I LOVE Rotorua. I love the unexpectedness, the power of the earth, the majesty of creation. God is amazing!

And the Grinch my dear husband, considering he really, really wasn’t keen at all on doing all this, nevertheless indulged my wishes very, very graciously. So I shall add here something I saw on facebook this morning:

“In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: 'What kind of man are you looking for?' She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, 'Do you really want to know?' Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes.

She began to expound, 'As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do fsor myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.

'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.

I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.”

I’m blessed to have been married to one like this for over 30 years.

The Meaning of Marriage: Tim and Kathy Keller

I wanted to review this book, but I can't. There's just too much in it to try to condense meaning, so I will just try and jot down some nuggets to remember. I'm in a hurry to pass it on to a young, unmarried-but-on-the-way-to-it friend.

The secret of marriage  is that Jesus gave himself up for us (p45)...he died to his own interests...marriage only 'works' to the degree that apporximates the patternof God's self-giving love in Christ...do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus, and the rest will follow. (p47)...Marriage is a major vehicle for the gospel's remaking of your heart from the inside out and your life from the ground up.

The power for marriage if we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility...we are not to live for ourselves, but for the other...all Christians who really understand the gospel undergo a radical change in the way they relate to people. (p53)

The Gospel: you are so lost and flawed, so sinful, that Jesus had to die for you, but you are also so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for you....freely give and freely receive...love is the opposite of self-seeking...
The Gospel can make you happy enough to be humble...Without the help of the Spirit, without a continual refilling of your soul's tank with the glory and love of the Lord, such submission to the interests of the other is virtually impossible to accomplish without becoming resentful.

Seek to serve one another rather than to be happy, and  you will find a new and deeper happiness...
CS Lewis: Give up yourself, and you will find your real self...(Mere Christianity) Wounded people...are so engrossed in their own pain and problems that they don't realize what they look like to others...The essence of sin...living for ourselves, rather than for God and the people around us. (p63)...see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem...

'Fear' means to be overwhelmed, to be controlled by something. To fear the Lord is to be overhwelved with wonder before the greatness of God and his love....We love - because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

The essence of marriage Lewis Smedes - we are who we become by making wise promises and keeping them....to be fully known and truly loved is like being loved by God...it liberrates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.

The mission of marriage  - its purpose. Friendship....must be about something that both are committed to and passionate about...'those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers'. (CS Lewis, The Four Loves) (p114)

Christian friendship: spiritual transparency, spiritual constancy...deep oneness  develops as two people, speaking the truth in love, journey together...

Loving the stranger...We don't really know each other when we get married...character flaws cause problems..Marriage brings out the worst in you...Marriage has...'the power of truth'...which is a hard gift to receive...give each other the right to hold one another accountable...marriage has a power to heal us of hurts and convince us of our own distinctive beauty and worth...give your spouse love in the way he finds most emotionally valuable and powerful...give affection and friendship; reconcile; give forgiveness as Jesus did.

Embracing the other... recognising how different and unique we are.

A July Bride: book review

When I signed up for The Year of Weddings novella series, I hadn't quite appreciated that the year would run away with me, despite Booklook Bloggers providing me with free copies at regular monthly intervals.  I'm enjoying the series and am grateful to them for this lovely, light reading. So, here I am, at the end of October, catching up on book reviews.

A July Bride by Beth Wiseman opens with a wedding and finishes with a wedding. Same bride, different bridegrooms. It is a sweet story of Alyssa, jilted AT THE ALTAR by her high school sweetheart, Brendan. Of course, he regrets it straight away but it is too late: Alyssa, understandably, doesn't want any more to do with him.
On to the scene steps the handsome, well-off Dalton, a nice guy who also happens to be a friend of Alyssa's brother Alex.
Everyone lives, happily and not so happily, in the same small town.

Beth Wiseman weaves an interesting story. Dalton has recently broken up with his girlfriend and, while he wants to date Alyssa, is under no illusions that she will get over Brendan quickly. He's ready to be patient. Brendan, meanwhile, is doing everything he can to get Alyssa back. But she just can't trust him any more...

As Brendan and Alyssa untangle their feelings, dodge their way clumsily through misunderstandings and try to get on with their lives, Alyssa and Dalton get engaged.

There are some charming insights woven into the story. Alyssa tells Brendan: "You don't hurt the people you love," Brendan replies: "Of course you do. When the love is real and deep, you have the capacity to hurt someone more than you ever thought. People who love that deeply hurt each other, even though they don't mean to."

"You can forgive," says Alyssa's friend Sherry, "or you can let the hurt wrap around you until it sucks the life out of you."

Not just a little light reading. Wise advice for marriage, for relationships, for life. A light read: we guess the ending, but it still comes as a slight surprise. And on the way, some personal reflection, too. What's not to love about A July Bride?

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day. Not a day I normally celebrate. I didn't grow up with it and, during my many years living in Kenya, didn't experience the commercial reminders. 
Generally, it passed me by apart from one memorable year when I was at college. I received a wonderful, intriguing, poetic Valentine in the morning post. I was mildly flattered and mildly curious until I arrived at my first lecture. My best friend Sue had received an identical card with a slightly different poetic message. Obviously from the same person - first problem. Sue was married - second, major problem. Her husband had been rather upset, giving her the silent treatment. Although Sue was relieved to find that her card was evidently a joke, nevertheless she was desperate to find out who had sent it. I was so desperate for her I don't even remember if I was disappointed that my card wasn't 'for real'.
We spent the day asking EVERYONE who knew both of us if they had sent it, to the obvious amusement of our lecturers. (Yes, we were young. And giddy.)
At the end of the day, Sue trailed home apprehensively. She and her husband divorced a few years later.
(Not because of the Valentine's card, though. Sue eventually discovered, after meeting two other friends  - one a neighbour, one from her husband's course - that they had also received identical cards. Her husband had sent them - having only managed not to explode with amusement at her consternation by keeping silent.)
This year, as I catch up reading some wonderful blogs over the half term holiday from school, I find Valentine's Day messages everywhere.
I liked this one: a reminder that many men are not at all naturally romantic. I like that she reminds us it's not about us and how romantic our husband/boyfriend should be towards us when she says: "There are no exceptions in the Bible where it says on Birthdays, Mother's Day and Valentine's Day we have permission to be selfish and self-centered."  
We don't need to believe what the media tells us. Most men just don’t have ‘romantic’ bones. Their flashes of romantic inspiration are few and far between. My husband veers from absolutely no romantic gestures at all to, every few years, doing something ‘over the top’.  Never on Valentine's Day, but on our wedding anniversary. 
The most memorable - the one that still takes my breath away when I remember it - was when we were living in Kenya while the children were young. We had been married twelve years. He had given up his flying career to work voluntarily in an orphanage and I was teaching. So not a lot of money going into our bank account every month.  Somehow - I'm still not sure whether this was already arranged or if he managed to engineer it - our children were invited to two separate sleepovers for the weekend. As they went off,  I had my weekend planned in my mind but was happy to drive with him to our local airport while he 'checked up' on something. It wasn't until he drew up outside the air charter hangar that I began to suspect something. He had chartered a small plane to fly us down to an exclusive lodge in Amboseli game reserve, in the foothills of Mount Kilimanjaro.  He had even packed a weekend bag for me with everything - including my prettiest dress - that I might need. I was almost too shocked at the extravagance to enjoy myself. 
Before that, it had taken me a long time to accept that he just didn’t ‘do’ bunches of flowers, sweet sentiments or even chocolate!! These things - whether small gestures or hugely extravagant gifts - are sweet, but ultimately don't matter. What really matters is not a once or twice a year fuss, but daily kindnesses and tiny acts of appreciation: the thanks for a meal, or an errand run. A gentle back rub, a touch on the arm. A meaningful kiss. A smile into eyes.
I'm thinking of a sweet friend of mine who is struggling with this whole romance thing - she longs for it, her boyfriend doesn't 'do' romance in the same way.  They are good friends, but the relationship has been a little bit 'on off'.  
I’m probably the last person to talk to regarding an ongoing relationship like this as my husband and I just met each other, deciding almost instantly that this was 'the one' and then got on with it! (I'm talking days, maybe weeks, here.) His excuse is that, as a pilot, he is used to very quick decision making. Mine is that I was SOOO old – nearly 30, and the spinster teacher of the family – that I would have said yes to anyone. That's my cover story, not the truth, of course.

Instant attraction. Romantic to the extreme. But then I think of Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott. It always struck me that the marriage of Amy and Laurie seemed relatively passionless (they agreed that they ‘pulled together well’ when they were out rowing on a lake, as far as I remember!) but it was a happy and lasting marriage. And I think that a lot of good marriages certainly end up like that – pulling well together –  however they begin.

As long as they have Valentine's Day sentiments 365 days a year.
Look here for a cute story of how one couple met...

Keeping romance alive in unobtrusive ways.

I read, occasionally, a blog called The Generous Wife.  Sometimes there are just a few little reminders of how not to take my husband for granted. 

Life offers those reminders too.  Conversations in the staff room when people complain about having to do a 'blue' job.  ('Blue' means jobs that the man is supposed to do: like cleaning out gutters.  'Pink' is for ladies' jobs - like cooking. Self-explanatory once you know. I think.)

We share our jobs out pretty much. I don't like it if Richard has emptied the dishwasher more times than I have, or has hung washing out twice in a row.  It doesn't seem fair, even though he tends to have more 'at home' time than I do.  He still does an awful lot for our marriage which I don't touch - accounts, car maintenance, gardening...Occasionally I forget myself and start complaining...ungrateful.

But Richard often does little things which pass me by - I take them for granted. The cup of coffee he brings me every morning (I was so tired today I slept through it - cold by the time I woke, but I was warmed by the thought). Getting my bike out of the garage for me so it is ready just to hop on to when I am running late. Meeting up at lunchtime on his day off.

Last week was just the best, though. I was on a school trip and had mentioned we might be stopping at a particular cafe/public toilets for the children. In the end, we didn't have to, but he cycled up there for a solitary cup of coffee, sitting outside in the sun in the hope he might see me.

That is just so romantic, it just melts me. I'm still smiling at the thought.

And, although his trip was in vain, at least he had a lovely half hour at a beach cafe. Some compensation.

(Updating this to link in with The Time-Warp Wife)