Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Words and feelings

I've had so many words in my head the last few days that I haven't been able to blog. It's like an imaginary conversation: I keep starting something, get distracted with something else and start off on that, get diverted again... You get the drift.

I don't like this feeling of being continually sidetracked, unable to focus on one thing at a time. It's confusing. I like to see things as they really are - clearly, even if what I am looking at is ugly. (I always like to know the worst thing that can happen, too. There's a freedom in that, because then other possibilities are endless.) So muddles mix up my emotions as well as my thoughts and eventually panic begins to nibble away at my overheated brain.

But I'm learning to relax about times like this. Sometimes the words just have to do their thing. They swirl around in some huge primordial gloopy soup, shapes of ideas forming and reforming. The thoughts change so fast I can't keep up with them. Sometimes it feels as if I'm in the washing machine on spin cycle.

But then there is the calm after the storm. The rotating slows down and stops. The ideas resolve and settle down with each other. Suddenly I can see the pattern after all. It all starts to make sense.

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